For anyone out of the loop on facebook and other such social stuffs, this year has been a really hard one for my family. The car that hit me on January 24th was reported stolen. We have four very busy people and no reliable vehicle to get us places. My dad was let go from his job, which - though God is providing - was difficult. I still have panic attacks about driving, and it feels like they'll never go away.
On February 24th, my grandfather was taken in for heart surgery and passed away in the early hours of the 26th. My grandpa was a great man with a charming smile and a funny habit of buying anything on sale. I know he's with his wife, son, and son in law again, basking in the glory of God's presence, and there's nowhere better to be.
I've tried writing about it. I know some of you have been checking the blog to see if I've managed to get anything out yet. To tell the truth, I still don't think I can. Some nights I lie in bed, every muscle taut, ill from having no way to get the anger out. Sometimes I remember to thank God that I got to see Grandpa last summer and hug him so, so many times and hear his belly laughs in person rather than over the phone. But mostly, I cry.
I cry because I feel guilty that I was the last of the Florida family to see him, and my dad couldn't fly out in time to say goodbye. I cry because the anger isn't good, because I'm not the only one hurting, because I can't help. I cry because I keep demanding to know why - I cry because I know I don't need to know.
I hate writing things like this. My greatest struggle is self-sufficiency. I don't like to need help. But right now, I need prayer. I could use a wall to punch, too.
~Charli Rae |Romans 5:1-5|